Anger is an umbrella, shielding you from deeper, unexpressed feelings. Your anger is a key to finding out who and what is important to you. Anger is an intimate emotion.
Many of us grew up with clear lessons about anger: Getting angry is wrong, unholy, and makes others not like us. Grown-ups got mad if we got angry. We learned a message: Anger is bad.
I have a new message for you: Anger is natural. It has a purpose, and we are not powerless in its presence. Anger is not a four letter word.
Your anger is a normal, primary emotion like happiness and fear. As with all emotions, anger is a neural and chemical reaction pattern which is biologically programmed into your brain. As an emotion, anger is involuntary and exists in your unconscious.
When you encounter any information which is perceived as a threat to the functioning of your system, your emotional anger is triggered. The information source can be sensory-based such as a sound, sight, or scent; as well as, from memory and imagination. The trigger may be, a touch, a taste, a word, a gesture or an image from your past. What induces your anger is unique to you and your history.
This triggered anger enters your consciousness. For the first time you experience the emotion of anger.The form is in physical feelings and sensations. You feel the anger in your body.
At this stage, anger has both a physical and a psychological component. Physically, the brain receives the signals from your body and interprets them as danger warnings. It directs your body to begin an automatic stress-reaction process called “fight or flight.” There is no interpretation or judgment. Your sympathetic autonomic system simply reacts to the brain’s command and prepares for whatever defense is necessary to keep you safe.
At the psychological level anger is not a series of automatic reactions. You have choices about the way you relate to your anger. You can examine, analyze, change, and modify the beliefs, perceptions, patterns, assumptions, and behaviors which you associate with your anger. You can decide how, if, and to whom you express your anger. This is your place of power. From here, you can take charge and manage your anger.
The first step is learning to recognize your anger. You can learn how, when, and where your body collects your anger information. Your anger is not only a message for survival; it is, also, a message about what you value and do not want to lose.
If you chose to ignore, deny, or stuff your anger and its truth, it will not simply go away. The memories will wait for you. They will ferment and multiply into more intense conditions called hostility and rage.
Hostility and rage are more intense and allow fewer choices. They silently take charge. At some time, they will either explode in irrational ways or numb you to all your other feelings. The full spectrum of these unattended feelings involve verbal and physical violence, road rage, abuse of self and others, addictive patterns, guilt, and depression.
The good news is that by understanding the physical and psychological components of your anger process, you can prevent toxic anger. Anger can be simple. Anger can help you create and maintain greater balance and better health in your life.
Here are three ideas about managing your anger:
1. (1) When you breathe, exhale very slowly. The exhilation tells your body that you are safe.
2. (2) When your phone rings, breathe slowly. Answer on the third ring. You may feel less rushed when you speak.
3. (3) When you are sitting in traffic, breathe slowly and remember who and what you treasure in your life.